Humour & Stuff 2005

Humour & Stuff 2005

Bungee Jump

Alice and Frank are avid Bungee-jumpers and one day Alice says to Frank, “You know, we could make a fortune running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they buy everything they’ll need; a tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc. and set it up in Mexico. As they’re constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to watch them at work. When they finished, there was such a crowd they decided to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, she has more cuts and scratches but again Frank misses her.
Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she is bruised and bleeding.
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord was fine... It was the crowd... What’s a pinata?!”

Mary Ellen

A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife walked up and whacked him on the head.
“What was that for?” he asked, somewhat stunned.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it” she replied.
”Don’t be silly,” he said, “When I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name of the horse I bet on”
His wife seemed satisfied and apologized. Three days later he’s sitting in his chair reading again when she nails him with a frying pan.
When he comes to, he asks, “What was that for?”
“Your horse phoned.”

Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!
    

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Quotes from Steven Wright

• “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen -- and replaced by exact duplicates.”

• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.

• Half the people you know are below average.

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Sent in by Bob Mireau, Cloverdale, BC

An elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) well dressed, well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly elegant-looking lady (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”"

My Footsteps

A physician told this story about her four-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
“My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!” thought my friend.
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take you order?”

New Definitions:

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

SENIOR STORY

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
“You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers...”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them!
"What are you doing for the next generation?”

Truth be told

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. Moral of the story: It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling butt.

A recording on an answering machine: “I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

“Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.”

--Mark Twain

“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

--Johnny Carson

Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself; you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

--Johnny Carson

Control Tower to Aircraft Chatter

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”

Tower: “Westjet 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Westjet 702: “Tower, Westjet 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Air Canada 635, cleared for takeoff behind Westjet 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Westjet 702?”
Air Canada 635: “ Air Canada 635 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Westjet... we’ve already notified our caterers.”

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it ain’t so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches”, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next bit will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunks head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all-comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8” and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail

Sent in by Bob Mireau, Surrey, BC

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Muddy Road

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”

Sent in by Heather Annesley

A blonde lady motorist was flagged down by a trucker just outside San Diego. He explained he was taking two Chimpanzees to the zoo when his truck broke down.
“They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the car and off they went.
Later as the trucker was driving through town he saw the blonde walking down the street with the two chimps. He pulled off the road and ran over to her.
“I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo,” he said.
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, but we had money left over---so we went to the movies!!!

Should you have a makeover?

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

Sent in by Reverend Dale Jones, Grande Prairie, Alberta.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

The Big Bucks

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question? Look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in, and it works just like new. So how come I get paid so much less than you do when we’re basically doing the same work?”
The surgeon leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Fond Farewell

A young preacher was asked to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The young pastor went to the open grave and feeling guilty because of his tardiness; he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, one workman turned to the other and said, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that before.”

A Veterinarian Goes to the Doctor

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet - I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”

Why does a mans heart beat faster, his knees get weak, his throat gets dry, and he thinks irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
Because she smells like a new truck!!!

Sent in by Gord Campbell, New Westminster, BC

Too Much Information

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grandpa, what is sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”
The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Sent in by Bob Mireau, Surrey B.C.

Cancel Your Credit Cards

A lady died this past January, and her bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 and now was somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the Bank:

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”

Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”

Bank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

Bank: “Excuse me?”

Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?”

Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

Bank Supervisor: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Bank Supervisor: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)

Bank Supervisor: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (Fax number is given)

Bank Supervisor: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”

Bank Supervisor: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”

Bank Supervisor: “That might help.”

Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

Bank Supervisor: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

How much is a billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion,” casually, think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate the government spends it.

Sent in by Robert Pitzel, Desert Hot Springs, California

Dumb as a FOX!

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy took the quarters and left.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

Foreign Aid

The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
“I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Sent in by Heather Annesly, Maple Ridge, B.C.

Sound advice

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He placed four worms  into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results.
The first worm that had been place in alcohol was dead.
The second worm that had been placed in cigarette smoke was dead.
Third worm that was in chocolate syrup was dead also.
However the fourth worm that had been place in good clean soil was alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What can  you learn from this demonstration?”
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

Sent in By Hazel Nielsen, Junction City, Oregon

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

A man went to the police station and asked to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the cop.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds!”

Difference between Women and Men

NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Congratulations

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said, “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

Joan, a rat her well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth , raised “deck ” which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She’d been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn’t have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach , she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday”
“YESTERDAY!” she exclaimed, rather irritated...
“ Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I’m on the top floor and I’m covered with a towel.”
“Well, that would be true,” said the embarrassed little man, “except for the fact that you’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Guilty as Charged

A man owned a small farm outside Lethbridge Alberta. Employment Standards claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well, there’s my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I also buy him a bottle of rye every week,” replied the farmer.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.
The farmer says, “That would be me.”